At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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