Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
