It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
