Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
