we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
