Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
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