this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
