I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
