Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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