The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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