I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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