It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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