I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
