yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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