Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
