the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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