You smell like a Billy Joel song
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
