question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
