Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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