i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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