we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
