So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
