I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
