I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
