The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize