my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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