: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I checked into jail on foursquare
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
