hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???