Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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