My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
