the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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