he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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