Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
