Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
