Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
