Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
