he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
