...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
