I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
