I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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