so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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