Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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