If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
