Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
