All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
