I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
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I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
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I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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