I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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