we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
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Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
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