i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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