I puked a lego.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
