What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
