Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
