Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
