Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
