if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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