Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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