You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
