It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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